literature

Jezebel-like fiend

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Explosms's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

Here I stand
helpess and left for dead.
Back then I used to believe in you,
used to get lost in your eyes,
but now I pray goodbye
as with you I'd know
that all I would do
is waste this life.

This breathing, it hurts,
and as the world fades to black
all I can see is the shadow
of you, that bitch,
who always haunts me
and whose looks shove daggers
down and along
the curveture of my back.

I sold hours of life
to just spend time with you
but weren't you the one
who bought them all up?
I believed in you, I gave in to you,
but now as I say my final goodbye
I can finally laugh
as I can see through your lies.

It's almost pitiful to say
that I fell for you,
but even if I did say it
I know for a fact you'd agree.
With a look that has broken
the hearts of every boy
who, like me, has ever had the misfortune
to fall for a banshee like you.

You were the screams to my whispers,
the bullet to my brain,
I can tell that this last breath is wasted
as you screech my name.
This very bitter
yet not so sweet feeling
is all I dare give to you,
my sweet Jezebel-like fiend.
Comments1
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Panhead13's avatar

:iconcrit1::iconcrit2::iconcrit3::iconcrit4::iconcrit5::iconcrit6::iconcrit7::iconcrit8:



Devious Rating
:star::star::star::star::star-empty:


Vision:
:star::star::star::star::star-half:
Originality:
:star::star::star::star::star-empty:
Technique:
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty:
Impact:
:star::star::star::star::star-half:


Many times, the entire break-up isnpired pieces seem more like a long, drawn-out pity party with the soul. Fortunately, not here! This seems angry, a final shout to the woman who ruined the narrator's life. While not all rainbows and sunshine, it's different. It's about an enemy, a former love, that turned into a parasite. Not terribly pleasant, but well executed.

Vision:
The idea isn't new. People tend to fall for people who aren't good for them. But, while not new, this piece puts a new perspective on it. Now, she is to blame, she is the bad guy in this.
Originality:
As I said before, it isn't new, but it's different. Nothing is new. It just has to be different. And your poem is different. Kudos!
Technique:
A few spots seem like hey could be rewritten to be more powerful. For example
Back then I used to believe in you,
used to get lost in your eyes,
but now I pray goodbye

the use of the word pray to me seems to subtract from the impact of thepiece. The idea is there, but not the magnitude. But, then again, with poetry, it's really subjective.
I sold hours of life
to just spend time with you
but weren't you the one
who bought them all up?

Here, it's a bit different. Here, I didn't understand what you were trying to convey. I had to reread a few times. Maybe clear it up.
The other issue I had was with the title. Jezebel-like. I'd avoid anything-like. Metaphor is much more powerful than simile. John Proctor didn't call someone "like Pontius pilate" in The Crucible. No, he accused them of beingPilate. When in doubt, go with metaphor.
Impact:
It seemed the last cry of one who was dragged down to the grave by someone who stole his life from him. A very good job.




The Artist thought this was FAIR